There’s no shortage of Christmas movies. In fact, there are so many, you can even decide to restrict your yuletide film lineup to a specific theme.
- For example, last year was Horrific Christmas, which had some slasher hits like:
- Black Christmas
- Silent Night, Deadly Night
- Silent Night, Deadly Night II
- Christmas Evil (with Brandon Maggart, Fiona Apple’s dad!)
- *a few of these can be watched on Kanopy. If you can’t find them there, there’s always YouTube..or maybe try your local underground cinema?
I was planning on another “Christmas of horror”, but this year – despite not getting a tree – I’ve been feeling more corny than creepy, and thus my “Just About 12 Days of Christmas” movies have been dominated by offerings from the thrice-named stars of years past, Melissa Joan Hart (MJH) and Olivia Newton-John (ONJ).
Of course I’ve rated them – see the scale below.
1 – background music at best
2 – mostly bad, has its moments
3 – pretty good?
A Very Merry Toy Store – 1
Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez play small town toy store owners (single small town toy store owners) trying to stay afloat when a big name toy tycoon swoops in. I don’t know how anyone could keep an independent toy store running anymore, and it feels like the screenwriters don’t either. Eye rolls abound in this one, but a big reason to watch-for at least five minutes-is Beth Broderick (Aunt Zelda) playing MJH’s mom! Nice to have if we never get a proper Sabrina the Teenage Witch reunion movie.
Dear Christmas – 1
Shot at least partially in Incline Village, NV, this flick draws you in with Christmas Tree Village and the pairing of MJH and a scruffy Jason Priestly. Sounds great! But the acting is so bad, the film never really satisfies. Pretty much everything was off – the script, the concept (Holiday Love is the toast of the podcasting world? Year-round?), and Ed Begley Jr.’s performance. At least it was free to watch!
Broadcasting Christmas – 2
MJH is a reporter who stayed at home when her ex-boyfriend got a big network job in New York. Now they’re back in each other’s orbit, competing for a place on a morning show, reporting on bland pap for the masses. Part of the novelty of bad Christmas movies is that they’re almost always filled with actors who haven’t been B-list for at least 10 years. Jackée Harry, for example, I have not seen since Sister Sister, and Dean Cain? Well, the less said about him, the better. But he was actually a decent pairing with MJH who, at the end of the day, is a good actress AND would be a good morning show host.
Holiday in Handcuffs – 3
“She’s holding him hostage, but he’s stealing her heart…”
I have been telling everyone about this one. Again, MJH and Mario Lopez, this time in a Christmas movie tinged with signs of Stockholm’s syndrome! I did not have high hopes at the outset, but it ended up being pure dumb fun and my favorite of the list. Great supporting cast, including Timothy Bottoms, Markie Post (RIP), and June Lockhart (also RIP). Apparently the cast was sick with norovirus for several days of the shoot (which is kinda apparent upon repeat viewing), making the uncomfortable moments even better! Almost made me yearn for the days of ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas.
Christmas Reservations – 2
MJH is back as the daughter of an innkeeper (a nice cameo from Michael Gross of Family Ties) at a conspicuously sunny sun-bound lodge. Who checks in this Christmas but a long-lost love, as well as an assortment of folks-like Markie Post!-looking for answers (and a dog) amidst all the holiday spirit. Will MJH find love again this Christmas? I can’t tell you, but I will shout out Dartmouth College (Go Keggy!), and share my favorite line from the opening: “And some people like me have other reservations. Reservations about love. I checked out of that room a long time ago and I somehow lost the key.”
A Christmas Romance – 3
Being familiar only with her work in Xanadu and Grease, Olivia Newton-John was surprisingly pretty convincing as a widow living in an old cabin with her two young daughters. When the vice president of a bank makes a personal trip out to her far away hamlet to evict her, the snow really starts falling and the Christmas magic begins. I would take this movie over Elf any day. Give me cute sheep, witty one-liners, ’90s mom fashion, a ballad here and there, a fresh cut pine tree, and that’s Christmas to me.
A Mom for Christmas – 2.5
Doris Roberts as a witch! She really delivers in this sweet story (aside from getting stuck in traffic). ONJ is glamorous and garrulous as a former mannequin/now limited-term holiday mom for a lonely young girl named Jessica, who isn’t getting the attention she deserves from her widower, businessman dad. ONJ quickly becomes everyone’s favorite, but crisis creeps in. There’s a scene in the middle you may want to skip if you’re leery of mannequins or elves, but who knows? You might find it hilarious. This film is mainly good for nostalgia, I certainly appreciated the throwback to the faceless 90’s mannequins I remember from Macy’s – what were they thinking…
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